Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Question

 

Grandpa,

I recently confided in my sister. I told her that I was in therapy trying to heal my chronic pelvic pain, PTSD which resulted from sexual abuse that I never dealt with.  What am I missing? I’m very familiar with the atonement. It’s not like I haven’t poured my heart out asking for deliverance from this pain. I believe that through Christ, I can be healed, but I also know it hasn’t taken place. What do I take away from that? I haven’t asked enough, or correctly?

A family member, in another bishopric told me that I should be meeting w/ the Bishop regularly for council.  I don’t want to beg for an appointment. but after reading Ensign talks on healing from sexual abuse, (which is what I’m trying to do), the talks imply that the Bishop should be quite hands on if not the Stake President.

Where do I turn for priesthood counsel?

Jeanette

 

Answer

 

Jeanette,

My heart goes out to you.  Someone close to me is working through the same process of healing so this is a topic close to my heart.

I would like first to address your question about why healing takes so long.  First I would like to reassure you that it isn’t your fault.  Healing takes time.  It is natural to want the healing to come now, and the pain to stop, but some wounds take time. To illustrate this point, I’d like to share some quotes from Sis. Cheiko Okazaki’s talk on “Healing From Sexual Abuse” and Elder Jeffery R. Holland’s talk, “Like a Broken Vessel”. First you may not be alone in wondering why healing takes so long.  Your friends and family, while sincerely wanting to help, may ask the same question. Sis. Okazaki speaking of this said:

“Often when we acknowledge a problem, we want it fixed quickly. We think a few visits to a therapist, a few priesthood blessings, a few tears shed, a few hugs should make everything all right. Not so. The process of healing may be more complex than I realize, different for each survivor, but let me share with you again what my friend says: ‘ . . . I am in so much pain that I will do anything to pass through this as efficiently as possible.  A lake cannot repent of its pollutants; it can only submit to being dredged and flushed of its debris and poisons. I am learning that the pain is not an end in itself, but it leads me to what I am to learn, and with each lesson, I get more of my life back.’”

How much time will it take you might ask.  The answer will vary for different people.  I don’t want to discourage you, but to reassure you that if your healing takes a long time, it does not mean that you have done something wrong. About this Sis. Okazaki said:

“The sixth message I want to share is that healing from sexual abuse is a very long and very painful process. According to one study that included LDS women, being able to reach the ultimate step of forgiving the perpetrator and moving on took an average of fifteen years . . . Let me borrow an image from a sensitive bishop who works hard to help members of his ward who have been sexually abused. He urges leaders, family, and friends to realize that their loved one, a ward member, has been injured, just as if he or she had broken a leg that had never been set properly. Even though the person can walk and may have forgotten about the injury, true healing and true strength cannot return until the injury is acknowledged, the bone rebroken, and the leg set correctly. Please recognize and realize that someone who has been sexually abused has been deprived of part of her or his free agency. The individual cannot get it back except through the long and difficult process of healing from sexual abuse.”

Again I hope you will not feel overwhelmed or discouraged by that.  According to those I have talked to, it does get easier.  The process takes time, but the pain becomes easier to bear as you become stronger.

People who sincerely want to help may encourage you to “forgive and let go.”  But I caution you, forgiveness also takes time.  It is an important and beautiful principle, but it is not the first step of healing. Sis. Okazaki addresses this as well:

“Third, do not try to rush or short circuit the forgiveness process, but continue to work towards it as you can. Wendy Ulrich, a psychologist in private practice, talks about the need to balance both justice and mercy during the process of coming to forgiveness. She writes, ‘The principle of justice requires an honest appraisal of our current systems and the realities of our pain. To forgive prematurely can close doors to the important realities that pain can open. Justice requires that we not assume responsibility for sins we have not committed, that we not assume power to control decisions we cannot control, and that we not exonerate others’ actions when they are dangerous and destructive. To attempt to be merciful in the absence of justice is to deny the characteristics which make God God. The principle of mercy follows the principle of justice but cannot rob it.’”

When the path of healing is long and painful, we may wonder why our prayers have not been answered.  Addressing this Elder Holland said,

“Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.

I’m so glad that you said you are in therapy Jeanette.  Both Sis. Okazak and Elder Holland talked about the importance of therapy. Sis. Okazaki said:

“Now the third message I have is that women and men who have been sexually abused probably need professional help and certainly need personal support. In the vast majority of cases, they need professional help because sexual abuse, and particularly incest, attacks the very foundation of their identity.”

Elder Holland agrees. Speaking of serious depression (which is common among survivors of abuse), he said:

“If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe. If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation.”

You asked about priesthood guidance.  I would counsel you to remember that Bishops and Stake Presidents are generally not trained in counseling, and should not be expected to replace your therapist.  However, there are ways that a priesthood leader can help.  One way is priesthood blessings.  Another way they can help is if you find yourself struggling spiritually while on your healing journey.  This is not uncommon.  Sis. Okazaki addressed this too (though I won’t quote it here, as this is long enough.)  Those I have talked to have expressed having difficulty in this area as well.  Priesthood leaders can be helpful in reassuring you in spiritual matters.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help or make an appointment with your Bishop.  People who have not experienced abuse don’t understand how intense the pain can be, or how much support is needed.  You may need to reach out to them and let them know that you are struggling and need help.

Jeanette, while healing is a long, painful process, I promise you that healing is possible.  I have seen this in my friend who is dealing with this issue.  Christ will help you.  I’ll close this with a final quote from Sis. Okazaki speaking of her friend who was working through this she said:

“Now the closing words of her most recent priesthood blessing assured her ‘that Christ not only sorrows at my suffering, but suffers with me as I suffer. I am amazed at the love he offers me. I also lose what hope I had of escaping my pain any other way than by experiencing it. I wanted to be otherwise; then I remember Alma’s great testimony that Christ will descend below all things that he may succor his people according to their infirmities.’”

He will be with you every step of the way, Jeanette. That I can promise.

Some additional sources:

Jeffrey R. Holland – Like a Broken Vessel

Other helpful resources:

Hope and Healing in Recovering from Abuse – Sarah E.Miller

 

Gramps

 

 

Copyright © 2024 Ask Gramps - Q and A about Mormon Doctrine. All Rights Reserved.
This website is not owned by or affiliated with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (sometimes called the Mormon or LDS Church). The views expressed herein do not necessarily represent the position of the Church. The views expressed by individual users are the responsibility of those users and do not necessarily represent the position of the Church. For the official Church websites, please visit churchofjesuschrist.org or comeuntochrist.org.

Pin It on Pinterest