I had a period of time where I lost 5 children in the womb in a row. Each time the pain would nearly overwhelm me, and I would feel a brief and very natural anger and frustration with the Lord over why this had to happen when I was just trying to fulfill my covenants to multiply and replenish. Each time I would spend time speaking to the Lord and expressing my feelings to him.. I wasn’t complaining or mocking, but I truly didn’t understand. I think the Lord knows our hearts, and knows that “frustrated” isn’t desiring to murmur, but seeks resolution. It takes a lot of faith to come to the Lord when things hurt and you feel abandoned or abused.

Each time I lost a child, at the moment that anger nearly overwhelmed me.. I had a choice – to turn toward the Lord or away from him. I could walk to my Heavenly parent and sob in his arms, or I could turn my back in defiant anger. Each time I battled with myself, but I also continually kept choosing the Lord and the comfort He offered even if I didn’t have explanations for the pain I was experiencing. Sometimes answers take a while to come… but they always will. I feel I have been deeply blessed because I chose not to turn away. After 5 heartbreaking losses, the Lord helped me find the path through a wonderful talk called “Where are thy Pavilions” by Pres. Eyring in the October 2012 conference. That helped me see that perhaps there was something else I needed to do first. When I asked the right question, I was given an answer and a path. By obediently taking the path without knowing why… I was blessed with the answers to why I kept losing children. Because I was given those answers, a year ago I conceived again and this time carried a child all the way to term. She is my blessing and my joy, and I am humbled and so much more wise in the understanding of how the Lord works than I was before. The end result is a testimony so firm it will never be shaken. Perhaps this is why I needed to come to this blessing through this path.

Remember what the Lord said to Joseph… that all things will be for our good. Even if the Lord did not fully orchestrate it but allowed it to happen, he has a purpose for doing so. That purpose will always be for our good if we but trust him. Trust him now with your feelings. Being honest and feeling hurt are not feelings of rebellion. Go to him and express how you feel and seek understanding for why it has gone this way. Approach him seeking his love… despite your hurt, and you will find the path he means you to find. I promise you.