Gramps,

I’ve been married to a non-member for 11 years. For the last month, I’ve been counseling with my Bishop about divorce. My husband is addicted to video games and plays 40-50 hours per week. We have 3 kids (he didn’t really want any but agreed to 2), and I have leukemia. He gets angry and loses patience a lot, especially with the kids. He barely talks to us and has even told me he doesn’t want me to do any temple work for him when he dies. When is divorce better than staying married?

Alisha

Answer

Alisha,

In the doctrine of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, marriage is much more than a social contract—it’s an eternal covenant. Members are taught that marriage, especially when performed as a sealing in the temple, offers the possibility of family relationships enduring beyond this life. As President David O. McKay expressed, “In the light of scripture, ancient and modern, we are justified in concluding that Christ’s ideal pertaining to marriage is the unbroken home, and conditions that cause divorce are violations of his divine teachings. … It is Christ’s ideal that home and marriage should be perpetual—eternal.”

The decision to marry is regarded as one of life’s most important choices. However, the choice to remain married, day after day, is seen as equally crucial. The decision to stay committed in your marriage becomes just as important, if not more important, than deciding whom you should marry. It is a decision that requires an eternal commitment. If both you and your spouse have this commitment, it will guide you through not only the blissful moments but also the difficult challenges. The Church encourages couples to work through difficulties, seek help if needed (such as counseling or spiritual guidance), and strive to sustain marriages through love, forgiveness, and shared faith.

Nevertheless, the Church does not present marriage as free from challenges. Communication hurdles, unmet expectations, and life’s trials often test the strength of the marital covenant. Prophets and Church leaders have long counseled that love, humility, and commitment can heal many wounds. President Gordon B. Hinckley movingly pleaded,

“If every husband and every wife would constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce. Argument would never be heard. Accusations would never be leveled. Angry explosions would not occur. Rather, love and concern would replace abuse and meanness.”

The standard is high, and the ideal is clear: marriage is intended to last forever. Yet, as history, scripture, and lived experience attest, exceptions are part of the mortal journey.

Despite the ideal of eternal marriage, the Church acknowledges that in a fallen world, not all marriages can or should continue. The heartache of betrayal, abuse, or persistent unhappiness weighs heavily on individuals and families. For some, remaining in a marriage would cause more harm than good.

One often-misunderstood aspect of Church doctrine is that while divorce is not encouraged, it is also not condemned when it is the lesser of two evils. There are legitimate, scripturally and historically supported grounds for ending a marriage. Abuse and adultery are two commonly acknowledged grounds, but there are also cases where the Lord may guide an individual through revelation and personal peace. A powerful reminder from early Church history notes that, “Women could obtain a divorce more easily in Utah than in any part of the United States at that time.” Contrary to common misconception, the Church has long left room for women (and men) to escape marriages that bring unbearable sorrow.

The process for considering divorce is deeply individual, involving prayer, counseling with Church leaders, and seeking spiritual confirmation. As one Church leader advised when confronted with a member pondering divorce: “When you contemplate divorce, do you feel peace?… Satan cannot imitate peace. I counsel you to ask the Lord if you should continue to work on your marriage and wait and see if that brings you some peace.” The principle is to seek the will of God, not just personal comfort or convenience.

Still, for many members, divorce feels like an admission of failure, a contradiction of gospel ideals, or a forfeiture of promised blessings. Yet, Church teachings, rooted in both doctrine and compassion, are unequivocal: The Lord does not desire His children to remain captives in relationships that debilitate rather than uplift. The Book of Mormon and Church history contain numerous examples of escape as part of our heritage, as individuals and families left dangerous circumstances for their spiritual and temporal well-being. Sometimes, the precious thing to leave behind is a marriage that is causing harm.

Importantly, the Church requires that separated couples refrain from dating until their divorce is official, maintaining fidelity until the marriage is legally and ecclesiastically dissolved.

Divorce, regardless of its justifications or necessity, is never easy. It can feel akin to a bereavement—a loss not only of a relationship, but of dreams, plans, and even spiritual expectations. One Church member reflected,

“In some ways, divorce seemed like experiencing the death of a loved one. I wondered whether the possibility of an eternal family for me was now void…. Over time, I learned I had to go through the steps of grieving—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I never experienced the steps in that exact sequence, and some of them still come and go, but I have faced each of them to some degree… Despite the abuse and heartache that happened in my own marriage and the shock and pain that accompanied my divorce, the learning and growth that continue to come from these experiences have been my greatest blessings. I have learned to rely on the Lord and to become an advocate for myself.”

Here, the journey of healing is not portrayed as linear, nor is it guaranteed to be complete within a set timeframe. Rather, it is a process requiring faith, self-reflection, and the support of loving friends and family.

The Church provides spiritual resources for the divorced, emphasizing that healing comes through Christ. President Thomas S. Monson once said, “Choose your love; love your choice.” This resonates in the context of healing: we can choose to heal, forgive, and move forward. Reading scripture, praying, and fostering healthy friendships can all help restore a sense of self-worth and belonging, as those who have been wounded by marital failure rediscover their identity as beloved children of God.

Forgiveness, both of oneself and an ex-spouse, is a particularly challenging but liberating part of this journey. Trusting in Christ’s healing power and His ability to “bind up the broken heart” (Isaiah 61:1–3) brings eventual peace—a peace that, as noted earlier, cannot be counterfeited or faked. The Church encourages members to remember that every soul’s worth is “priceless in the eyes of God,” and that suffering is never the end of the story but often the refining flame that brings new faith and wisdom.

The journey forward might include renewed spiritual practices, seeking professional counseling, serving others, or even, eventually, the hope of new, healthy relationships. Importantly, Church doctrine affirms that promises of eternal blessings are not forever lost because of divorce. Each person’s ultimate standing is determined by their worthiness and faithfulness, and the Lord, in His wisdom, will determine the status of each of us in the eternities.

Ultimately, each member is invited to seek personal revelation, exercise charity, and trust that the Lord will not only bind up broken hearts but will keep His promises, allowing for new hope and happiness ahead.

Gramps

Gramps,

We were sealed 4 yrs ago, after 7 years of marriage. It was an outcome of him trying to prove to me he had stopped his porn, alcohol, smoking addictions. but he hadn’t. I later had a thought come and hit me that I wouldn’t make it to the celestial kingdom with him. I love him dearly, but also want my kids to see what a righteous marriage looks like. He also has started emotional abuse at times. How do you know when to stay and keep praying, or to let the natural consequences of a person`s actions happen?

Heartbroken

Answer

Dear Heartbroken,

My heart breaks for you as well as I read this question. It never is easy to answer these types of questions because there is a lot riding on an answer, and thus the length of time in answering your question. I do hope that, having said that, I provide you with guidance and solace in knowing that the only person qualified to assist you is the Savior Himself, even the Lord Jesus Christ.

Let me begin by saying this: Our Father in Heaven loves you so much. A kind of love you probably have not felt before. I know, being a mother is pretty close but, I can assure you, His love for you is even more intense and palpable than anything I could describe here. So, any trial that comes to us here on earth is not unnoticed by Him. There are things that even Gramps doesn’t quite yet know, but I do know one thing, His love for you is as real as the air we breathe, the sun that shines, and the plan he created for you and me and all of his children.

One of the key points of doctrine we believe in is found in the second article of faith:

2 We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression.

Your husband is also a son of God, with all of his faults and imperfections… God still loves him. He does have his Moral Agency and he is still expected to use it wisely, especially as a father and a husband. Not knowing his side of the story, I would assume you have spoken to him about his various addictions and have supported him through them all. You state that you love him dearly and that’s what any counselor looks for when assisting any couple through their marital challenges.

So, why did I bring up the second Article of Faith? As much as eternal life is a team effort, we must first work on it individually. Regardless of whether or not your husband does or doesn’t change, you will still make it to the celestial kingdom as long as you keep your end of the deal you’ve made with the Savior  which started at baptism and through to the sealing covenant between you and your husband and The Lord.

If I were your Bishop, I would counsel you to be patient and understanding and to continue to help him through his vices. The one red flag I see here, however, is the fact he’s getting more and more abusive to you (and perhaps the kids?).

In such a case, this is what The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has stated:

Abuse: Help, Healing, and Protection

 

Abuse is the neglect or mistreatment of others (such as a child or spouse, the elderly, the disabled, or anyone else) in such a way that causes physical, emotional, or sexual harm. It goes against the teachings of the Savior. The Lord condemns abusive behavior in any form.

 

“The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form” (Handbook 1: Stake Presidents and Bishops [2010], 17.3.2). Abuse violates the laws of God and may also be a violation of the laws of society. The Lord expects us to do all we can to prevent abuse and to protect and help those who have been victims of abuse. No one is expected to endure abusive behavior.

Again, this is such a delicate subject to talk about and since we are all different, what may work for you perhaps doesn’t work for someone else.

I strongly suggest you talk to your bishop and to pray to Heavenly Father for guidance. Your righteous desires are well acknowledged by God and he knows, you want things to succeed.

I would strongly recommend that you remain steadfast and immovable. Do not allow Satan to distort your view of the future: “Hope always points towards the future”.

With a calm, yet, firm determination, have a sincere talk with your husband and give him some options, and allow him to respond with honesty as to what he wants to do with his life. Assure him that you love him, but will not tolerate abuse any longer.

His increasing use of pornography does shorten a man’s temper. There are many people who have been affected by this disease and modern-day plague.

Here are some resources you could perhaps share with him, if he hasn’t seen this already

• Hope & Healing
• ARP (Addiction Recovery Program)
• Healing Through Christ
• Mormon Women (Hope and Help for Sex Addicts)

I really hope your situation changes to bring you peace and love in your home and that your children see what a healthy and stable marriage looks like. You and your family are in my prayers and may God bless you.

Gramps

Gramps,

My husband and I have been married for 18 years, we were sealed 3 and 1/2 years ago. My husband has an addiction problem, it’s like he’s addicted to having an addiction. For 18 years we have barely scraped by, robbing peter to pay Paul, I have asked for help from family, a bishop, friends, and even set up our own budget, it works for a time but nothing permanent. My question is: is divorcing him the right thing, over something as petty as money? I’m so confused.

Angel

Answer

Angel,

The decision whether or not to divorce is a personal one that can only be made between you and the Lord.  It’s not my place or anyone else’s to tell you what to do in this situation.  I recommend prayer, fasting, going to the temple and getting a blessing when pondering such weighty matters as this.

As general advice, I do think most marriages can be saved, but some need outside help.  I have a friend who is a Marriage and Family Therapist and she said she has seen amazing results for couples using Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT).  There are great books available to help marriages, including Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson who created EFT.  However, Dr. Johnson says her book is not for couples who are dealing with addiction (or abuse, or adultery), in these situations therapy is needed.  If you can’t afford therapy, talk to your Bishop.

Something else that stood out to me about what you wrote was that you said your husband has an addiction problem.  This is another red flag pointing out that therapy is needed.  Most addictions need help to be resolved, particularly if he, as you say, is addicted to having an addiction.  I don’t know your husband, but again speaking in general principles, when a person goes from one addiction to another, it is likely that they are doing so in order to cope with pain.  It is an unhealthy coping mechanism but understandable and all too common.  Therapy can really help here.  Therapy can help him learn healthier coping mechanisms, but also work on resolving whatever is cauing him so much pain.

I suggest therapy for you as well.  Being married to someone with an addiction is very taxing, as you well know, and therapy can help you learn to have healthy boundaries to protect you emotionally and mentally…which may include some ideas about how to deal with money issue.   Often there are subconscious reasons that people chose and marry addicts, therapy can help you work out your own issues that brought you to this situation.

Most importantly, I remind you that Christ is the Great Physician, He expects us to do our part, like going to therapy, but He will be with you every step of the way.  Comforting, guiding, directing, and yes, healing your hearts.  Whether the Spirit guides you to stay in your marriage or not, the Lord, through His Holy Spirit will be there to help you take the needed steps to bring peace and joy into your life.

Gramps

Gramps,

In a divorce situation, who chooses who can ordain a child to the Aaronic priesthood?  Is is the parent with legal custody?   I have a situation where my ex lied his way into being re-baptized after excommunication, and now holds a temple recommend.  He consistently lies to the kids and tried to get my younger son to cheat on his pinewood derby car.  So the only thing standing between him unworthily ordaining my son is…. my protests, since I am the legal custodian.  Help!

Megan

Answer

Dear Megan,

I believe that in a situation where a child is being raised by separated parents, the Church will try to defer to any orders that may have been made by the divorce court. So this may be an issue for you to bring up with your attorney.

From a more practical (as opposed to legalistic) standpoint:  I understand how frustrating and painful it is to see an unworthy man who has caused you personal pain to successfully conceal his sins and officiate in the ordinances of the priesthood.  There is much about your personal and family situation that I do not, and cannot, know.  But I would gently suggest that you consider (among many other factors) your son’s own wishes in the matter, and make a sincere effort not to influence him in any particular direction.  Many adolescent children of divorced parents tend to do better when they are free to negotiate their relationships with each parent on their own terms, and when parents take care to keep their children shielded from their own marital or co-parenting disputes.  But again, I am speaking generally; I have no idea about the details of your situation or how your son is coping with it.  If, perchance, your son is in counseling; this may be an excellent issue on which to seek therapeutic advice.

Doctrinally speaking, as long as your son’s ordination is properly overseen by the appropriate Church authorities, you can rest assured his ordination will be valid even if your ex-husband has succeeded in hiding his sins from his ecclesiastical leaders.

Gramps

Gramps,

I am a member and so is my wife. I have been a convert for 3 years and she has been a convert for a little over one. I am considering divorce. We are not sealed but are both endowed. What are the implications?

Bob

Answer

Dear Bob,

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your wife. Divorce is very painful to everyone involved, from the children to the immediate and extended families of the couple involved. The ramifications of the divorce can go on for years and affect you in ways that you may not be aware of. Please think long and hard before you go further with this, and be sure to pray about it. Dallin H. Oaks, in his April 2007 General Conference talk said,

“I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance.”

According to the Church, when men and women marry they “make solemn covenants with each other and with God. Every effort should be made to keep the covenants and preserve the marriage.” Gospel Topics Guide – Divorce  Further on, the prophets and apostles have talked about the importance of trying to keep a family together.  There is a famous quote from the previous prophet of the Church, David O. McKay,

“No other success can compensate for failure in the home.” (Family Home Evening manual, 1968)

Instead of focusing on the implications of your divorce perhaps you should be focusing on how to keep your marriage together. If you and your wife have made the determination that a divorce is the only option, at that point you should consider the consequences.  When you are sealed in the temple and then divorce afterwards, you must inform the First Presidency of the Church if you want to have that sealing “canceled.” If the First Presidency comes to the conclusion that a cancellation is the correct outcome, than one will be granted. Since you are not sealed in the temple, you do not need to worry about that. A divorce in the LDS Church will not lead to your excommunication unless there is a greater issue involved, such as abuse or adultery.

With what little information we have, I obviously do not know how you and your wife have gotten to this point where you feel like your only option is to divorce. If you feel as though your conversion was going to lead to eternal happiness and and easy marriage, I deeply regret to tell you that it is not always the case. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, in his April 2016 General Conference asks us to remember that,

“Strong marriage and family relationships do not just happen because we are members of the church. They require constant, intentional work.”

In the same talk, President Uchtdorf says,

“as the days multiply and the color of romantic love changes, there are some who slowly stop thinking of each other’s happiness and start noticing the little faults. In such an environment, some are enticed by the tragic conclusion that the spouse isn’t smart enough, fun enough, or young enough.” With a final caution he says “Brethren, if this comes close to describing you at all, I warn you that you are on a road that leads to broken marriages, broken homes, and broken hearts. I plead with you know to stop, turn around, and come back to the safe path of integrity and loyalty to covenants.”

While you have not been married in a temple,the words of President Uchtdorf are still relevant. A marriage is still a promise.

Your bishop will be able to help you through the process. I am praying for you and your family.

God bless.

Gramps

Answer

Dear Sue,

There are many things that are difficult in this life, and this is one of them.  I’m very sorry for what your family, and especially your sister have been through.

There are different variables involved in the choice whether or not to excommunicate someone.  I understand your suspicion that perhaps your ex-brother-in-law was not completely honest with his Bishop.  As with so many other things in this life that are unfair, you have to leave this in the Lord’s hands.  The Lord knows all, and if things are not properly attended to in this life, He will deal with them.  I believe it would be better for your ex-brother-in-law that he repent properly now rather than wait and face the Lord in his sins later.  But that is between him and the Lord.

There is a story from the Old Testament that I think will be helpful to your sister.  James Ferrell illuminates this scripture in his book, The Peacegiver.  In 1 Samuel 25 we read a story of David.  He and his men had hired out their services to a man named Nabal to protect his flocks from highway men.  However when it came time to pay, Nabal lied and said that he had never made any such arrangements and refused to pay the agreed upon amount.  David was understandably angry.  He told his men to “gird every man his sword.”  He and his 400 men started toward Nabal’s house.  On the way, they ran into Abigail, Nabal’s wife.  Abigail had been warned of the situation by the servants.  When she heard what happened she “made haste”, gathered all the supplies that were promised to David, and set out.  Abigail, not only brought everything that Nabal had promised, but she asked David to forgive HER!  David considered this and decided to accept her offering.

Bro. Ferrell points out that in this story, Abigail is a ‘type’ of Savior.  David, like your sister, was wronged.  Abigail came to him, like the Savior comes to us, and offered him everything he should have been given.  Because the Atonement, the Savior has the power to restore to us all that has been taken away.  The Savior can heal your sister, and help her to become even stronger than before.  Remember Abigail asked David to forgive her?  But she had done nothing wrong.  This is symbolic that the issue is not between David and Abigail.  Abigail would deal with Nabal.  It is the same with us.  The Savior has the power to restore us to a whole and improved state, and He asks us to let Him deal with those who hurt us.  Notice that Nabal never apologized to David either.

Would you like to know what did happen to Nabal?  When Abigail went home that night, he was drunk.  So she waited until the next day and then explained what that she had paid his debt.  “His heart died within in him” and he died about ten days later.  Sometime afterwards, David and Abigail were married.

So you see, Nabal received his reward in due time, and David was blessed.  The Savior can do the same for us.  Our job is to accept His offer and “forgive Him.”

Gramps

Answer

Dear K,

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. You should know that you have years of grieving ahead of you. I have heard that failed marriages can take 5 years to emotionally process. (How long does it take to recover emotionally from divorce?) It will look like a shorter time for your husband because he has already contemplated and accepted a failed marriage (sometimes beginning 2 or 3 years earlier – not that he had decided the relationship was over at that point, but that he decided the relationship was strained or broken at that time). So give yourself time to grieve and surround yourself with true friends – friends who will mourn with you (when needed), comfort you (when needed), and correct you when you embrace vengeful demons too tightly.

Now, you’d like to more concerning adultery. Adultery involves sexual relations outside an existing marriage covenant. Dating, holding hands, kissing, courting, are not adultery. It is, however a violation of the modern command to “love thy wife [or husband] with all thy heart, and … cleave unto her [or him] and none else” (D&C 42:22). Indeed, it is a violation of the higher law that Jesus gave to not even lust after another (Matthew 5:28). The Lord has said that for those who don’t repent, will lose the Spirit and risk excommunication (D&C 42:23). As with all such judgments, we pray the Spirit guide the bishop to execute the Lord’s will.

If you pursue a divorce you (and he) should be aware that you may continue to have a relationship with your husband as the father of your children (if any). So separation and divorce may not provide the clean break he hoped for. And if you pursue divorce, you should continue to live the standards of the Church – with strict fidelity so long as you are married. Do not attend single adult activities (see Church Handbook of Instruction 2:16.3.5). Do not concern yourself with the consequences your husband may or may not face. He has grieved the Spirit and it has withdrawn. Do not drive this life line of peace from your life too.

Additionally, you should schedule some time with your bishop and Relief Society president. Let them know what’s going on. You’ll feel financially and emotionally drained and they’ll want to know you have the support you need.

Finally, please know that even if you divorce, there’s a place for you in the Lord’s church. Often divorced members feel isolated and ostracized (after all, ward members usually know the husband and the wife and may be reluctant to take sides). So many of our lessons and talks revolve around the blessings of marriage and family. There are core doctrinal reasons for that which cannot be denied. These doctrines are held up as a pattern so that we can get as close to the ideal as our circumstances allow. If we don’t have enough fabric for long sleeves, we don’t discard the pattern because it’s an unachievable ideal; we adapt to the circumstance and make a short-sleeve shirt instead. For, as the Family Proclamation states, “circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.” With the Spirit and church leaders in your council, adapt and find peace.

Gramps

Gramps,

Unfortunately I am in a situation I never wanted. I was sealed in the temple but am now divorced. I have 2 young children. What is the church’ stance on having the sealing revoked?  I have heard it can only be done if you want to remarry? Will it void my sealing to my children? My ex husband did not respect me and did many things wrong in our marriage, if the sealing cannot be revoked will I really be stuck with him forever?

BillyBob

Answer

Dear BillyBob,

Have faith that the Lord knows what He is doing and that He will take care of everything we cannot.

In order for your fear to come true, something very important has to happen.  You both have to make it to the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom.  Anything less then that and it simply is not going to be an issue.

Think of the level of repentance and change that would have to happen in both your hearts for both of you to get there. Hopefully you are working toward that with all diligence no matter what your ex or anyone else does.

As you continue to work on your own progress you will find that the Lord will open up doors you never imagined.  And should you progress all the way to the Celestial Kingdom, when that day comes for you to gain Celestial glory, whomever it is at your side will be perfectly acceptable to you, because he too will have overcome all to be there.

As for your sealing to your kids, that would not be affected by any action the Church might make to revoke the sealing between you and your ex.

Gramps

Bernice

_______________

Bernice,

As I have taken time to research an answer to your question I have found nothing specifically stating a man who is married to a woman who was divorced, temple sealing or without.

Stake presidents recommend names to the First Presidency to fill the calling of a bishop; upon approval the stake president is able to extend the call and set apart the individual as a bishop.

I recognize practices and policies may change overtime, however we have examples in our history of stake presidents who were married to divorced women. For example, Andrew Kimball (President Kimball’s father) upon the death of his first wife married a woman who was divorced. Andrew Kimball was a stake president for 26 years.

Gramps

Rose

______________

Rose,

Any decision we make we are held accountable before God for the consequences of our decisions, whether they be choices which lead to eternal life (freedom and liberty), or eternal damnation (prison and captivity).

I would sincerely hope that your father is completely aware of his decision and that he is willing to repent of his sins.

My concern Rose, is more inline with how you are feeling. Although, your father has caused great turmoil within your family, please do not allow yourself to become so angry that you yourself forsake that which is good. Learn from this experience and grow from it, such that, you never make a choice like this for your own family.

Gramps

Six years ago I lost my family through divorce (through no fault of my own (my mother-in-law caused it). We had not been sealed in the temple yet. We have had no contact in all this time. I love and miss them so much that I cannot stand to live my life. I have been in hell all this time. How is it that the Savior can heal my pain? How can He make things right? Simply asking for help doesn’t seem to work. Please give me specifics, because I so desperately need relief.

Rob

______________

Hello Rob,

I wish I could explain the mechanics of how the healing process works, but – trite as it sounds – there truly are no words adequate to describe the experience. I can only say from experience that the advice you have gotten from the Church about seeking healing through the Atonement – through prayer, scripture study, service, and all those other “Sunday school answers” – does, with time, work. It really, really works.

I would also suggest, if you are not already doing so, that recovery from a traumatic family experience can often be assisted through a properly licensed and well-selected therapist or counselor.

I wish you success in your healing process, and again promise: the Atonement works.

Sincerely,

Gramps