Question
Gramps,
I have lived a gospel center life and want to be with my wife, children, and grandchildren forever. But, I’m scared of death and seeing my mother, stepfather, and siblings again due to abuse. At 17 when I left home, I had very little contact, nor do I want to. Please help me to heal this pain, and fear. I’m 65 and very scared of death!
Ken
Answer
Ken,
My heart goes out to you.
It is a sad reality of life that so many people live with the aftereffects of abuse. While it seems you’ve been able to heal enough to have had a loving, gospel-centered relationship with your wife and children, it is difficult to completely heal from such emotional/psychological scars.
First, let me give you some words of comfort. The Lord will NEVER force you to be around people who will do any harm to you in the Celestial Kingdom. Such an idea would make heaven a hell for many people.
Remember that the Lord has prepared a special place for you.
2 In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. (John 14:2-3)
While I’m not certain how literal these mansions are, the concept of comfort and peace, and of “being at home with the Savior” is the promise He offered His disciples. If you have lived in accordance with your covenants, if you have sought out the Lord’s will, and have strived to do His will in your life, then you are one of His disciples. His promise is true.
A certain family therapist described a story of an anonymous family that experienced abuse in their home. The father was abusive. But he and the whole family were very good at keeping up appearances. Because of the father’s example, the siblings were also abusive to each other. The family was filled with secrets that remained rumors for many years. They were finally exposed to all upon the father’s death.
As adults, the children went through much tribulation throughout their adult lives as they did their best to stay true to their covenants with the Lord and do all they could to not allow the abuse to continue to the next generation.
As the children moved away to all parts of the country and began their own families, they refused to behave the way they had when growing up together. The siblings couldn’t be around each other without the memories of the abuse, which they, themselves, continued against each other.
Each family had their own way of dealing with the past. They eventually got to the point where they could forgive each other. But they still stayed apart because the memories of abuse were too traumatic.
The most difficult part of their “daily walk with the Lord” was trying to forgive their father. As faithful members of the Church, they knew that the Lord wanted them to learn forgiveness for this tragedy that was not their fault. How could they?
One child shared his “come to Jesus moment” when he was faced with all of his own sins in a fairly dramatic way. It would have been easy enough to claim, “But that wasn’t as bad as my father!” which was true. But he heard the Spirit speak to him. He recognized that if his own children (who had been properly raised with good principles) knew of all his sins, they would have been disgusted with him as well.
He resolved that if he were to obtain forgiveness from the Lord, he would have to forgive his father. He was aware of the scripture:
14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. (Matthew 6:14-15)
But how could he? He agonized over this for many years. He finally found peace with the following idea:
“While I may not be able to completely let go of it in this life, I can give it to the Lord. If He finds that my father was truly repentant and gives him forgiveness, then I will trust the Lord’s judgment. I also submit myself to the Lord’s judgment to forgive me.”
With this commitment, he felt a burden ease off of him. Through his trust in the Lord, he felt completely free of all the abuse. Memories still bubbled up from time to time. But it was no longer a constant weight on him. The forgiveness and peace in his life was clear.
I hope you can find some way to achieve peace through the Atonement of Christ as well.
Gramps
