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Dear Gramps, I married my husband in the temple and a short time after that he told me that he didn’t love me. I felt that I should leave him because of the way he felt and he said to me not to leave that he would work on trying to love me. Years down the track he is still in that same position. It breaks my heart every day to know I am married to a man that does not love me. But I have made covenants in the temple to stay married to this man. I am confused and afraid to ask the Lord whether or not I can leave him and move on with my life, but I am not happy knowing this is how my husband feels. We have been to counseling, but that still doesn’t change the way he feels. I feel like I am wasting away. Any tips??? Saden, from Washington

 

Dear Saden, Although your husband says that he doesn’t love you, I doubt very much that he is in love with anyone else. Perhaps he feels that love is some sort of an emotion that one should feel, and since he doesn’t feel that particular emotion he equates it with not being in love. Do you think that he likes you? I’m sure he does or he would not want you stay with him. Do you think that he respects you? Again, I feel that he does, for the same reason. Would someone, unacquainted with your family and yet permitted to observe your family relationships, make a judgment that your husband loves you? It may be that he has a problem only with definitions. You were married in the temple. Do you and he keep the covenants that you made in the temple to be obedient to the laws and ordinances of the gospel? If you do that, i.e., live worthy, obedient lives, you will inherit exaltation in the celestial kingdom. Thus, you will become heirs of God and joint heirs with Jesus Christ, as we read in Romans 8:15-17. At that time you will have been perfected and [you will] see as [you] are seen, and know as [you] are known (D&C 76:94). And you will live in perfect love with each other. So, if you can be understanding and forgiving for this microsecond of mortality, you will inherit an eternity of complete joy and happiness. But I understand that this microsecond seems like a long time while we are in it, and we must confront our present feelings. Perhaps the best way to accomplish that sometimes difficult task would be to follow the counsel of the Savior found in Matthew 10:39, He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. On other words, if we can forget ourselves in the service of others we will come to know ourselves, but even more, we shall refine ourselves in the spirit of the gospel, and those that we serve will come to love us. And if in our task to make others happy we don’t worry too much about how we feel–i.e., if our service is done without thought of recognition or reward, only then will we be recognized and rewarded. So, make your husband feel loved; treat him the way that you would want to be treated and eventually, especially if you do not look for it or anticipate it, he will come to treat you the way that you treat him. Gramps

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