I have committed a medium serious sin and am doing well in the repentance process but I’ve always had this dark feeling that I’ll never make it to heaven and that I’m not a real disciple of the Lord that takes control of my life. Received revelation that this was from the devil which made it a LOT more bearable but I still need help. I love this site.
It is great to hear that you have taken the necessary steps in the repentance process to address your actions against God’s laws. It is always commendable to see the atonement in action.
When dealing with sins (regardless of whether they be medium, small or big), it is critical to also acknowledge that the forces of evil will work hard to ensure shame interferes with our repentance process.
Whenever I read Lehi’s dream and come across the verses where it talks about “the mist of darkness” it always reminds me of this part about the repentance process.
Let’s review what exactly it says:
22 And it came to pass that they did come forth, and commence in the path which led to the tree.
23 And it came to pass that there arose a mist of darkness; yea, even an exceedingly great mist of darkness, insomuch that they who had commenced in the path did lose their way, that they wandered off and were lost.
So, anyone and everyone has the choice to follow the path which leads to the tree (Our Heavenly Father’s Mansion), but on the way, we encounter darkness and confusion as to where and what to do. Satan is subtle and astute and often interferes with our eternal progression. He uses shame as a great tool in his hands to deter us from achieving our goals. Let’s examine what shame does to the individual who is recognizing his sinful ways.
Psychology Today states:
“Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.”
Now, Satan thrives in making us feel worthless and powerless. However, the atonement (through the power of repentance and forgiveness) is the only antidote.
President Ezra Taft Benson has stated that:
“I would not have anyone believe that there is no hope if there are some who have made such a grievous mistake, because repentance and forgiveness are also a part of the gospel. Thank God for that! But it must be real repentance. Such repentance is a deep, heartfelt sorrow for sin that produces a reformation of life. It is not just a confession of guilt.”
Some times we regard the all too lightly the principle of repentance, thinking that it only means confession, that it only means feeling sorry for ourselves. But it is more than that. It is a deep, burning, and heartfelt sorrow for sin that will drive us to our knees in humility and tears— a deep heartfelt sorrow for sin that produces a reformation of life. That is the right test: a reformation of life. Only then may the God of Heaven in his mercy and his goodness see fit to forgive us. HE—not the priesthood on earth—is the judge. Priesthood holders can only carryout certain requirements. They can require certain things set forth in the revelations, but true forgiveness comes from above.”
(God, Family, Country: Our Three Great Loyalties, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1988, p. 196.) (emphasis added)
So, I hope you can focus on the atonement and what it can do for your empowerment and self-esteem and allow it to bring you out of the “darkness” you feel.