Question
Dear Gramps,
I have a spiritual question. I just can’t put it into adequate words. I fear I shan’t give it the power it holds in my heart. But nothing ventured, nothing gained, as they say. My wife and I have recently started a small contracting firm. We have been together just about seven months and have taken in my mother, who has multiple health issues. I have been away from the Church for quite some time- about 17 years. At such a time, I have fallen low in my spiritual understanding. Thus, my need to ask someone outside myself. The thing is, I am faced with demands at home to provide physical support to my mother. At the same time, I have the company to think about. I don’t have the funds to bring in outside help. My wife is pregnant with our first child and is a high-risk case. So she has needs, too. I feel I can’t put my mother in a home for fear that she has only a number of days among the living. I by no means wish her to pass with the feeling that she is unloved or unneeded. At the same time, I do not wish my wife to feel she has taken a back seat. I am at my wits’ end. Hoping you can give me an understanding ear and some direction. May God be in your heart.
Rick & Belle
Answer
Dear Rick & Belle,
From Sunday meetings to employment, daily scripture study, family history, parenting, and community service, the expectations placed upon Latter-day Saints are high. Many members have expressed feeling inadequate or overwhelmed by these demands. As one longtime member shared, “It’s become too difficult–for me–to keep all the commandments and also spend every day doing good works. It seems we hardly ever hear grace mentioned in the Church, and right now, I need some plain old grace.”
Feelings of guilt for not fulfilling every recommended practice or calling are common, especially among women in the Church. Members might be told that “you cannot be everything to everyone all the time,” yet the culture often subtly celebrates the person who seems to “do it all.” Parents feel torn between providing for children, seeking spiritual growth, serving in Church assignments, caring for extended family, and making time for personal rest or hobbies.
This tension is not unique—men and women, young and old alike, have faced similar struggles in the Church for generations. Elder M. Russell Ballard once said, “As a result of their focusing too much time and energy on their Church service, eternal family relationships can deteriorate. Employment performance can suffer. This is not healthy, spiritually or otherwise… We should never allow our service to replace the attention needed by other important priorities in our lives.”
President Gordon B. Hinckley taught that each disciple has a fourfold responsibility: to family, to employers, to the Lord’s work, and to oneself. While these do have a suggested priority—family first—none can be neglected. The challenge is to fulfill all of them dutifully and wisely.
That doesn’t mean every person can do every good thing at all times. Life comes in seasons. There are times when work must dominate, times when family needs you most, times for intense Church service, and even times when your own health or rest must be prioritized. The Lord, who “looketh on the heart,” recognizes your sincere desires and blesses your honest efforts—even if they feel small compared to your ideals.
Many Latter-day Saints are familiar with King Benjamin’s counsel: “And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength” (Mosiah 4:27). Similarly, the Lord told Joseph Smith, “Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided… but be diligent unto the end” (Doctrine & Covenants 10:4).
This isn’t just an escape clause—it’s a repeated, scriptural commandment. The Lord does not ask of us what we cannot do. Rather than feeling guilty for not excelling at every commandment or activity at once, we must list all the demands on one’s time and then establish a priority for each. Some worthy activities may need to be put on the shelf for a time, trusting that circumstances and capacities will change in the future.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks taught that “just because something is good is not a sufficient reason for doing it. Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives.” Every yes to one activity is a no to another—often an equally (or more) important one like personal prayer, sleep, or family dinner. Learning to accept that you cannot be everywhere at once opens the way to greater peace and focus.
Saying no—even to good things—may be necessary to live the gospel in wisdom and order. This can mean declining a Church calling if it would severely disrupt family well-being, or eliminating nonessential activities and technology distractions that crowd out spiritual and relational priorities.
If a calling or Church responsibility is deeply straining your family or work life, don’t be afraid to counsel with your bishop or Relief Society president. Sharing your situation openly allows leaders to serve and guide you more effectively. Sometimes, an adjustment or release is both appropriate and inspired—other times, leaders may offer suggestions to ease your burden or help you find creative solutions.
Much of the stress experienced by Latter-day Saints comes from overscheduling and overcommitting—often to very good things. As one member noted, “I realized my people-pleasing tendencies and inability to say no were creating unnecessary pressure and stress in my life. I was saying yes to good things, but in doing so, I became overscheduled and frazzled. Unfortunately, my husband and kids seemed to be the ones who suffered most.”
Eliminate nonessential activities, declutter your schedule, and consciously choose the few things that bring the greatest peace, joy, and eternal impact. Remember, even Church leaders and apostles—despite immense responsibilities—find time for family, hobbies, and rest. President Thomas S. Monson kept pigeons, President Russell M. Nelson enjoyed horseback riding, and President Henry B. Eyring paints watercolors. Their example teaches that well-rounded living is both possible and important.
Look for ways to stack important priorities. For example, family scripture study can become part of your daily dinner routine, merging the nourishment of body and spirit. Gospel discussions can happen during car rides. Service can be shared as a family experience. By combining the good with the essential, you enfold spiritual habits into your natural rhythm without needing separate blocks of time.
Just as work and service matter, so do rest and recreation. Taking time for good, clean fun, personal renewal, or hobbies is not selfish—it’s necessary. As Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, “Fatigue is the common enemy of us all—so slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill.” Far from indulgence, rest and enjoyment renew your physical and mental capacity to serve both your family and the Lord. Be intentional about scheduling time for spiritual and physical self-care, not just for others.
It’s easy to get bogged down in busyness and temporary frustrations. Pause to ask: “What will matter to me—and my family—ten, twenty, or thirty years from now?” Let your short-term decisions reflect your deepest long-term hopes and dreams. Don’t trade what you want most for what you want right now.
While striving to keep commandments and serve are vital, it’s important to remember that salvation cannot be bought with the currency of obedience; it is purchased by the blood of the Son of God. As President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught, “We obey the commandments of God—out of love for Him!” Our efforts refine and support us, but ultimately, the Savior’s grace is sufficient to cover our imperfections and to multiply our sacrifices beyond what seems possible.
Every household’s situation is unique. For those with young or special-needs children, elderly relatives, or demanding work requirements, priorities may differ from those of empty nesters, retirees, or those with flexible schedules. Importantly, the “traditional” roles of provider and nurturer in Church teaching are meant to be lived as partners—mothers and fathers working together as equal partners, sharing both breadwinning and nurturing as needed by their circumstances.
Single parents may find that providing emotional and physical support for their children is a higher immediate priority than seeking a temple marriage. Members with heavy workloads or caretaking responsibilities may need to forgo some extracurriculars or Church activities for a season. And that’s okay. Don’t load yourself down with guilt that you can’t do everything right now. Focus on what is required of you now and keep the desire for future blessings strong in your heart. Then have faith that in the Lord’s due time, he will open up doors for you that are currently closed.
Let’s grant ourselves—and each other—permission to be joyfully imperfect, seeking divine guidance daily and trusting that with God all things are possible. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, know that you are in good company among the Saints. Take a deep breath, simplify, communicate, and remember that keeping the faith, not keeping up appearances, is what the Lord truly asks of us.
Gramps
