Is it okay to support someone who is gay?

Question

 

Gramps,

Will I be going against the Church if I support someone who is gay?

Polly

 

Answer

 

Polly,

First, it’s important to understand the doctrine and policies of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints regarding LGBTQ+ individuals. The Church teaches that all people are children of God, deserving of love, respect, and dignity—regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. However, its doctrinal position is clear about marriage and sexual relations:

Marriage is between a man and a woman and is ordained by God. Sexual relations are sacred and properly take place between a married man and woman… Therefore, in the eyes of the Church, homosexual marriage is not valid, and two individuals of the same gender are committing fornication if they engage in sexual relations, even if they are civilly married. So homosexual sexual activity, like unmarried heterosexual activity, is considered sinful in the eyes of the Church.

Yet, there is a critical distinction: Inclinations or orientation are not sins; it is the sexual activity outside of marriage between a man and a woman that is considered to be against Church teachings. As President Gordon B. Hinckley summarized:

“We love them [gays and lesbians] as sons and daughters of God. They may have certain powerful inclinations that are difficult to control… If they do not act upon these inclinations, then they can go forward as do all other members of the Church.”

This doctrinal position shapes all other policies and practices—but does not diminish the call to love, minister, and include.

On the question of same-sex marriage, Church leaders have reaffirmed support for traditional marriage, while also insisting on kindness and understanding towards all people.

On the question of same-sex marriage, the Church has been consistent in its support of traditional marriage while teaching that all people should be treated with kindness and understanding…. If it is being suggested that the Church’s doctrine on this matter is changing, that is incorrect.

Leaders such as Elder Dallin H. Oaks have taught that, while laws may change societal norms, “laws legalizing so-called ‘same-sex marriage’ do not change God’s law of marriage or His commandments and our standards concerning it.” Still, leaders repeatedly encourage parents and members to respond with both conviction and charity when interacting with LGBTQ+ family and friends.

Many Latter-day Saints grapple with practical questions: Can I invite my LGBTQ child and their partner to dinner? Attend their wedding? How do I balance love and doctrinal loyalty?

The answer, echoed by scripture and Church leaders, is that Jesus Christ modeled both truth and love—and He never advocated shunning or exclusion. Elder David B. Haight taught:

“There were strong social barriers among the Jews at the time of Christ, yet the Savior mingled freely among the publicans and sinners… Christ rebuked their unkindliness, saying, ‘They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick.’ (Matt. 9:12) The Savior was very clear that not allowing ‘sinners’ to be guests in our houses is unkind. We should remember that sinners come in many varieties. If we turn ‘sinners’ away from our table, we might find ourselves turned away from the Savior’s table.”

As Elder M. Russell Ballard specifically taught:

“Your love for that person as a son or daughter of God can create an inward struggle as you try to love and support him or her and still stand for the Lord’s eternal plan of happiness…. The Church does not teach or advocate shunning or other unchristian-like actions.”

When it comes to major milestones like attending a same-sex wedding, the Church does not prescribe one-size-fits-all guidance. Instead, leaders emphasize personal prayer, conscience, and the importance of kindness.

The proper step with regard to your questions would be for a mother and father to humbly kneel before the Lord to determine how they might, in love, kindness, and compassion, continue to support their children without supporting what they know to be iniquitous before the Lord.

The key is to seek inspiration, maintain unity and civility in the family, and not conflate affirmation of a loved one’s identity with endorsement of all life choices.

Church leaders draw a distinction between loving the individual and endorsing every behavior. Families are counseled to accept individuals without necessarily accepting all behaviors, just as one might love a family member struggling with addiction while setting appropriate boundaries in the home.

Crucially, the overarching message is clear: Jesus Christ commanded us to love our neighbors…. Family members with same-sex attraction need our love and understanding. God loves all his children alike, much more than any of us can comprehend, and expects us to follow.

Practical steps for supporting LGBTQ+ members go beyond policy. They require empathy, listening, and real inclusion. Stories and testimonies make clear that one’s church experience as an LGBTQ+ member can hinge on the climate set by local Saints:

Homosexuality is a sensitive and complex issue… Believing Latter-day Saints who experience same-sex attraction often feel caught in between two worlds—the Latter-day Saint community which, while most often well-intentioned, can say insensitive or hurtful things, and the LGBT-identified community which will often judge them as not being ‘true to themselves.

Ways to build trust and support include:

• Listening without judgment: Let individuals set the tone when they come out.
• Expressing gratitude for trust: Each time a person opens up, it is an emotional risk.
• Willingness to learn: Ask if you’ve said anything insensitive and listen if you have.

LGBTQ+ members consistently express that positive reactions, active listening, and sincere inclusion are empowering. Even if we don’t understand what our friends are going through, we can still be a safe place for them. Doing so will help them embrace and love who they really are.

The Church’s compassionate posture is not only theoretical. It has put its teachings into public action:

• Support for balanced anti-discrimination laws: In Utah, the Church advocated for “the Utah compromise”—banning discrimination against LGBTQ+ people in housing and employment while protecting religious freedom.
• Denunciation of intolerance and racism: The Church has condemned white supremacy and racism, reaffirming the equal worth of all souls.

Mental health, especially among LGBTQ+ Latter-day Saints, is another area where support and inclusion are essential. Studies show varying outcomes, but church involvement has not been conclusively tied to higher suicide rates among LGBTQ+ individuals, and some data even suggest lower rates among those who feel included in their faith communities. The takeaway: The emotional climate set by members matters. Shame and exclusion hurt; inclusion and love heal.

Suicidality is most often informed by multiple overlapping causes, so framing suicide as a reaction to a single factor can be harmful. As we strive to make church and the gospel accommodating and warm for all of God’s children, we don’t want to reduce or minimize the lived experience of LGBTQ+ members, including being reductive in how we talk about the intersection of mental health, orientation, and faith.

What can we and others do?

Listen to them and let them set the tone… they’re the ones taking the greatest risk here, so do your best to help them feel comfortable.

Love everyone unconditionally. No matter a person’s lifestyle choices or how they decide to conduct themselves, love them. The Lord does, and there is no appropriate reason not to.

Many straight Latter-day Saints may not realize that being gay is not a sin. However, acting on those feelings is [according to church doctrine]. The challenge is for members to trust that even though it may not be readily apparent to you how you may fit into the Plan of Salvation now, all truths will be revealed to us eventually. Until then, hold to the rod.

We just need to be patient. …In the LGBT community, we need to learn how to listen and let others kind of make mistakes and say the wrong things, and we need to learn how to teach. We need to learn how to instruct and share and not shame others for making mistakes, for trying to talk about it, and not saying things the right way.

As you wrestle with these questions in your own family or ward, let your efforts be guided by prayer, humility, and the pattern of the Savior, who loved and ministered to all without exception.

 

Gramps