Question
Dear Gramps,
How I wish that I really had a sage grandfather who would answer this question with a personal feeling attached, witnessing the anguish and sorrow caused by his granddaughter’s husband. We hear many talks in Sacrament Meeting and in General Conference about what we should do and not do. The men are counseled to honor their priesthood and to shun the evils of the world; especially pornography. What is left out of the talks is, to what point does a wife take the lying, the deceiving, the discovery of a husband looking at pornography again and again, a husband–a Mormon high priest that refuses to pay tithing. He has told me that he feels dead inside and I can see it. If you were to meet him you would never think that he has this double life. He is a good father and I believe him when he says he wants to change but it’s been 13 years since I met him and I see no change in sight. We have tried counseling and the bishop(s) have spoken to him where he says he wants to change, but then doesn’t. I feel it affecting me very much. We were married in the Mormon temple in 1992. He went to the temple knowing he was very unworthy to go. He kept things from me and led me to believe that he was someone he wasn’t. So I ask, until when do I stay in a marriage that I feel so miserable in. Yes, he does have good qualities but these other things seem to overshadow them. Another question is IF I ever do get divorced, does that mean that unless I get a temple divorce that I can never be civilly married again without committing adultery because of my temple covenants? Any advice would be most appreciated. Thank You,
Myra
Answer
Dear Myra,
The addiction to pornography is a very difficult practice to overcome, especially if it has gone on for years. Your husband needs all the help that he can get. If he is really serious about wanting to overcome this debilitating, evil habit, perhaps he should seek some competent professional help. This, however, is a rather risky procedure. If he is willing to do that, I would recommend going through LDS Social Services to get a recommendation for a reputable counselor.
To suggest any counsel on how you might handle your relationship with your husband is also an extremely difficult matter. But I would recommend a couple of things.
#1 Stay as close to the Lord as you can in your own personal life, complying with all the principles of the gospel. It would be well if you could attend the temple on a regular basis, and it would be comforting to you to read the scriptures daily, especially the Book of Mormon.
#2 Support your husband in all of his worthwhile activities, and stay as close to him as you reasonably can. He undoubtedly knows well your opinion of his unacceptable activities. But if he feels that you can accept him as a person, that you love him in spite of his faults, and that you love the Lord with all your heart, it will probably have a greater influence for good than any other single thing. That kind of acceptance will increase his desire to change so that he will feel worthy of your love and acceptance. However, it may be well to let him know that pornographic material of any kind is not acceptable in your home, and if you find any it will be destroyed. Then throw in the trash all that you can discover in the house. That would be the last thing that you would want any of your children to stumble across.
Now, concerning the divorce issue- If you were to obtain a civil divorce but not a temple annulment, you would be free to enter into another civil marriage. The blessings promised in the marriage covenant are conditional upon the worthiness of the parties involved. If your husband remains unworthy, he will forfeit all the promised blessings. If you remain worthy, no blessing promised by the Lord will be denied you.
Gramps
