Question
Gramps,
I’ve been married to a non-member for 11 years. For the last month, I’ve been counseling with my Bishop about divorce. My husband is addicted to video games and plays 40-50 hours per week. We have 3 kids (he didn’t really want any but agreed to 2), and I have leukemia. He gets angry and loses patience a lot, especially with the kids. He barely talks to us and has even told me he doesn’t want me to do any temple work for him when he dies. When is divorce better than staying married?
Alisha
Answer
Alisha,
In the doctrine of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, marriage is much more than a social contract—it’s an eternal covenant. Members are taught that marriage, especially when performed as a sealing in the temple, offers the possibility of family relationships enduring beyond this life. As President David O. McKay expressed, “In the light of scripture, ancient and modern, we are justified in concluding that Christ’s ideal pertaining to marriage is the unbroken home, and conditions that cause divorce are violations of his divine teachings. … It is Christ’s ideal that home and marriage should be perpetual—eternal.”
The decision to marry is regarded as one of life’s most important choices. However, the choice to remain married, day after day, is seen as equally crucial. The decision to stay committed in your marriage becomes just as important, if not more important, than deciding whom you should marry. It is a decision that requires an eternal commitment. If both you and your spouse have this commitment, it will guide you through not only the blissful moments but also the difficult challenges. The Church encourages couples to work through difficulties, seek help if needed (such as counseling or spiritual guidance), and strive to sustain marriages through love, forgiveness, and shared faith.
Nevertheless, the Church does not present marriage as free from challenges. Communication hurdles, unmet expectations, and life’s trials often test the strength of the marital covenant. Prophets and Church leaders have long counseled that love, humility, and commitment can heal many wounds. President Gordon B. Hinckley movingly pleaded,
“If every husband and every wife would constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce. Argument would never be heard. Accusations would never be leveled. Angry explosions would not occur. Rather, love and concern would replace abuse and meanness.”
The standard is high, and the ideal is clear: marriage is intended to last forever. Yet, as history, scripture, and lived experience attest, exceptions are part of the mortal journey.
Despite the ideal of eternal marriage, the Church acknowledges that in a fallen world, not all marriages can or should continue. The heartache of betrayal, abuse, or persistent unhappiness weighs heavily on individuals and families. For some, remaining in a marriage would cause more harm than good.
One often-misunderstood aspect of Church doctrine is that while divorce is not encouraged, it is also not condemned when it is the lesser of two evils. There are legitimate, scripturally and historically supported grounds for ending a marriage. Abuse and adultery are two commonly acknowledged grounds, but there are also cases where the Lord may guide an individual through revelation and personal peace. A powerful reminder from early Church history notes that, “Women could obtain a divorce more easily in Utah than in any part of the United States at that time.” Contrary to common misconception, the Church has long left room for women (and men) to escape marriages that bring unbearable sorrow.
The process for considering divorce is deeply individual, involving prayer, counseling with Church leaders, and seeking spiritual confirmation. As one Church leader advised when confronted with a member pondering divorce: “When you contemplate divorce, do you feel peace?… Satan cannot imitate peace. I counsel you to ask the Lord if you should continue to work on your marriage and wait and see if that brings you some peace.” The principle is to seek the will of God, not just personal comfort or convenience.
Still, for many members, divorce feels like an admission of failure, a contradiction of gospel ideals, or a forfeiture of promised blessings. Yet, Church teachings, rooted in both doctrine and compassion, are unequivocal: The Lord does not desire His children to remain captives in relationships that debilitate rather than uplift. The Book of Mormon and Church history contain numerous examples of escape as part of our heritage, as individuals and families left dangerous circumstances for their spiritual and temporal well-being. Sometimes, the precious thing to leave behind is a marriage that is causing harm.
Importantly, the Church requires that separated couples refrain from dating until their divorce is official, maintaining fidelity until the marriage is legally and ecclesiastically dissolved.
Divorce, regardless of its justifications or necessity, is never easy. It can feel akin to a bereavement—a loss not only of a relationship, but of dreams, plans, and even spiritual expectations. One Church member reflected,
“In some ways, divorce seemed like experiencing the death of a loved one. I wondered whether the possibility of an eternal family for me was now void…. Over time, I learned I had to go through the steps of grieving—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I never experienced the steps in that exact sequence, and some of them still come and go, but I have faced each of them to some degree… Despite the abuse and heartache that happened in my own marriage and the shock and pain that accompanied my divorce, the learning and growth that continue to come from these experiences have been my greatest blessings. I have learned to rely on the Lord and to become an advocate for myself.”
Here, the journey of healing is not portrayed as linear, nor is it guaranteed to be complete within a set timeframe. Rather, it is a process requiring faith, self-reflection, and the support of loving friends and family.
The Church provides spiritual resources for the divorced, emphasizing that healing comes through Christ. President Thomas S. Monson once said, “Choose your love; love your choice.” This resonates in the context of healing: we can choose to heal, forgive, and move forward. Reading scripture, praying, and fostering healthy friendships can all help restore a sense of self-worth and belonging, as those who have been wounded by marital failure rediscover their identity as beloved children of God.
Forgiveness, both of oneself and an ex-spouse, is a particularly challenging but liberating part of this journey. Trusting in Christ’s healing power and His ability to “bind up the broken heart” (Isaiah 61:1–3) brings eventual peace—a peace that, as noted earlier, cannot be counterfeited or faked. The Church encourages members to remember that every soul’s worth is “priceless in the eyes of God,” and that suffering is never the end of the story but often the refining flame that brings new faith and wisdom.
The journey forward might include renewed spiritual practices, seeking professional counseling, serving others, or even, eventually, the hope of new, healthy relationships. Importantly, Church doctrine affirms that promises of eternal blessings are not forever lost because of divorce. Each person’s ultimate standing is determined by their worthiness and faithfulness, and the Lord, in His wisdom, will determine the status of each of us in the eternities.
Ultimately, each member is invited to seek personal revelation, exercise charity, and trust that the Lord will not only bind up broken hearts but will keep His promises, allowing for new hope and happiness ahead.
Gramps
