I’ve had a disastrous marriage. How can I tell the husband that I am leaving him, but that I’m not doing it to hurt him?

Question

Dear Gramps,

Being in a troubled and abusive marriage for four and a half years I have had enough. I went to my Bishop who counseled me to go to the Temple, read the scriptures and pray. I faithfully did so over a period of thirteen weeks and received my answer that it was okay to leave if things did not change in our relationship. There were no improvements so I took my two boys and left him. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. My question is how can I help my soon to be ex husband understand the spiritual promptings I had in the temple, and to help him to know that I didn’t do this to hurt him, but to save my sons and myself from the mental, emotional and verbal abuse he does to us? (He doesn’t feel that he is doing anything wrong in our relationship to have me leave him.)

Crystal

Answer

Dear Crystal,

You can’t! If your husband doesn’t feel that he is doing anything wrong in your marriage relationship, your telling him that he is will fall on deaf ears. If he doesn’t feel that he is doing anything wrong he undoubtedly feels that you are. Do you think that he could convince you that you are doing things wrong in your relationship with him?

Now that you’ve made the decision to leave, the thing to do is to carry out the decision–leave. You both will be irreparably hurt by this action, but you have found to your satisfaction that this hurt will be less than that which you are now receiving from an abusive husband. If you are to leave him, you must get him out of your mind–a part of the unchangeable past, but not something to drag with you into the future.

Gramps