Question
Dear Gramps,
My in-laws, while well-meaning, are overly involved in all of their children’s marriages. They believe their role is eternal and cite doctrines such as temple sealings and forever families to justify their behavior. I’ve relentlessly pointed to the “leave and cleave” scripture to no avail. We have had to reduce our contact to a very low level. My question is: What do healthy in-law relationships look like in a gospel stewardship framework? What does their role evolve into and become? Thanks!
Diane
Answer
Diane,
We need to remember that both sets of parents are considered “in-laws” to one of the individuals in a marriage. So boundaries need to be set for both sides, not just who we consider to be in-laws. We’ve all heard the “mother-in-law” jokes. Let’s make sure those jokes aren’t justified.
For members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, family occupies a sacred place in life and doctrine. The teachings of the Church, with their emphasis on eternal families and the stewardship of parenthood, foster strong bonds between parents and children. Yet, as children grow, marry, and embark on their own spiritual journeys, the question arises: How should stewardship and boundaries shift between parents and their adult children? This issue becomes particularly poignant when perspectives differ about spiritual leadership and responsibility within newly formed families. Navigating these changing roles is not only a matter of doctrinal understanding but also of emotional maturity, cultural expectations, and mutual respect.
At the very heart of Church doctrine is the idea of “stewardship”—that parents are entrusted by God with the care, teaching, and nurturance of their children. This stewardship is more than a cultural tradition: it is tied directly to gospel principles of agency, accountability, and eternal progression.
Parents learn from scriptures such as, “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh” (Matthew 19:5). This biblical teaching is foundational in the Church, supports the expectation that newly married couples form independent households and spiritual units of their own.
However, Church doctrine also emphasizes the eternal nature of families. Sealing families in the temple is a pivotal ordinance, reflecting the desire that family ties—parent to child and, most centrally, husband to wife—endure beyond mortal life. Balancing these two concepts can be challenging. The gospel of Jesus Christ is broad enough to allow for both perspectives… while the primary relationship will be that between spouses, [parents] will still have claim on their children.”
As children mature into adults and enter marriage, stewardship necessarily changes. Richard B. Miller, professor of Family Life at Brigham Young University, explains:
Marrying and leaving the parents’ home requires a fundamental shift in the relationship between children and parents. While parents of young children have a divine mandate to supervise and discipline… it is not appropriate for parents to control their adult children. The hierarchy of supervision and control dissolves so that parents and their adult children are on equal footing.
With this shift, new relationships are founded upon mutual respect and friendship. Parents become supporters and counselors rather than overseers and directors. This principle is not only a matter of emotional health, but is rooted in doctrine and prophetic counsel.
It is worth noting that cultural habits can sometimes overshadow doctrine. In some families, expectations of closeness and parental authority can persist long after children have left home to get married. This is often more tradition than doctrine, and may not reflect the actual teachings of the Church.
Ultimately, newly married couples are counseled to “agree what your boundaries are,” and communicate these kindly to both sets of parents, fostering healthy relationships while maintaining appropriate independence.
The transition from a parent-child hierarchy to adult friendship can be fraught with challenges, especially as family members seek to uphold their values, express love, and maintain influence.
The evolution from parental authority to mutual respect is vital. Dr. Miller emphasizes the satisfaction that can come from these adult-to-adult relationships:
These relationships are based on friendship and mutual respect, with each being concerned about the happiness and well-being of the other. Most importantly, these relationships are satisfying for both the parents and the adult children.
Such relationships require effort, humility, and a willingness to accept new roles. Both parents and children can offer kindness, service, and emotional support to each other, but must avoid the temptation to revert to patterns of supervision or dependency.
Church counsel also addresses reciprocity in relationships. Adult children are advised not to expect their parents to act as perpetual benefactors—financial or otherwise—but to strive for independence and, where possible, to reciprocate generosity. Whether by planning a thoughtful family gathering or sharing in household projects, adult children build strong ties by treating their parents as equals.
Failure to make this transition can lead to tension and even damage within families. As President Spencer W. Kimball warned,
Well meaning relatives have broken up many a home. Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children… Wise parents will honor their children’s adulthood, foster their independence, and respect their marital boundaries, thereby giving their children the opportunity to establish strong marriages.
Thus, safeguarding the independence of young couples—and the integrity of their marriage—becomes a stewardship for parents after their children get married, requiring respect for their choices and leadership in their new family unit.
The challenge of boundaries is further complicated when families do not share the same beliefs or when returning to families of origin conflicts with newly adopted gospel standards.
Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are taught that families should be our top priority in life. At the same time, fidelity to gospel principles cannot be compromised for the sake of pleasing others. This delicate balance is especially evident for converts or those with family members who do not share their religious convictions.
If it were possible to express and show love and acceptance of your family members while maintaining the integrity of your beliefs, you might be a powerful influence for good in their lives, rather than objects of ridicule.
The scriptures counsel members not just to endure difficult family situations, but to do so with love, patience, and kindness: “Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love… If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:10,18).
Practical guidance includes:
– Protecting one’s spiritual health and standards, even when misunderstood.
– Approaching family relationships with humility, never holding oneself above others.
– Demonstrating care and affection through service, empathy, and patience—avoiding the urge to preach or correct.
– Granting others the same religious freedom one desires: “We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.”
Joseph Smith taught that example, rather than argument, is often the most persuasive way to influence a family. As Latter-day Saints strive to live the gospel with love and integrity, their gentle influence may create opportunities for understanding without compulsion or contention.
As the Church counsels, honor the sanctity of marriage, the autonomy of adult children, and the eternal bonds that unite families—not by control or compulsion, but through example, kindness, and a spirit of unity.
Gramps
