I have avoidance personality disorder. My whole life I’ve been labeled as shy and introverted and could never make a real connection with anybody. Not even members of my own family. Because of it I was never able fulfill pretty much anything in the church…it has destroyed my life and most importantly my relationship with the Lord. Is it my fault I have this disorder?
I’m so sorry that you struggle with avoidance personality disorder. No, it is NOT your fault. Experts don’t really know for sure what causes this disorder, but they say it may be genetic or environmental. We live in a fallen world, and so we are subject to imperfect bodies, minds and subject to sin (our own and those of other people.) I can’t imagine how painful this disorder has been for you. The need for connection with other people is hard wired into us, and so I can understand and believe you when you say this has destroyed your life and your relationship with the Lord. But Jordan, the Lord wants you to know that He understands and He loves you.
He knows you better than you know yourself, all your weaknesses, AND all your strengths. He knows the desires of your heart, and your fears. He knows all of this and He loves you. His love is perfect. Mormon.org explains this well:
“While our love can sometimes fall short, be shallow, or even be selfish, God’s love is “steadfast” (Isaiah 54:10, “everlasting” (Jeremiah 31:3), and selfless (see 1 John 4:9). The scriptures define this perfect love as “charity” or “the pure love of Christ” (Moroni 7:47). “Charity never faileth” (1 Corinthians 13:8), we read, and indeed, God extends His love to all people.” God’s Love
The pain you have now, Jordan is temporary, as this life is temporary. Earth life is really a small moment in the eternal perspective. I believe this is what the Lord meant when he told Joseph Smith that his suffering would be but a small moment;
My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; (D&C 121:7)
Christ understands your pain because He felt all our pain in Gethsemane so that He would know how to succor His people.
Imagine the kind of love you would like to receive from Him…would the perfect expression of love be sitting and talking? or a warm embrace? He knows what you need and want and that is what He offers you, and so much more.
I promise you that what i have told you is true, I have felt it as I wrote this. The Lord loves you, Jordan. He always has, and He always will. He knows of your struggles, and He is with you.