I have a testimony of the gospel, but I struggle to serve in callings because of my social anxiety. It seems whenever I accept a calling, I struggle with my activity. I have suffered from depression since my teenage years. I hate Sunday’s because I absolutely hate going to church. I know the gospel is true and believe in Jesus Christ, but I am just not good enough to be a member of this church. I am thinking about going inactive, which has caused a strain in my marriage. I don’t want to talk to my bishop because I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to lose my wife and children, but I can’t play this game anymore. I sometimes think about suicide, which I think would be better than going to church. What should I do?
My heart breaks for you and all those who struggle with depression. It can seem like a heavy load to carry, and near impossible to break.
The use of medical science is not at odds with our prayers of faith and our reliance on priesthood blessings. When a person requested a priesthood blessing, Brigham Young would ask, “Have you used any remedies?” To those who said no because “we wish the Elders to lay hands upon us, and we have faith that we shall be healed,” President Young replied: “That is very inconsistent according to my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the Gospel of salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow, without my plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and [then] to ask my Father in Heaven … to sanctify that application to the healing of my body.”
In cases of sickness, such as this depression, we suggest getting help immediately, for the good of both you and your loved ones.