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Question

 

Gramps,

My husband is divorcing me after 22 years of marriage and 5 children. We have had a lot of trials in the past years and plenty of bickering. We have tried counseling as well. He says that he has been very unhappy for 10 years and has prayed very hard for the past 3 months. He feels very strongly from Heavenly Father that we are not supposed to be together and that the Lord wants us to divorce. Would Heavenly Father really want our family broken up and want me to be in so much pain?

Bren

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Answer

 

Bren,

First, I want you to brace yourself. You’re not going to like what I’m about to tell you.

Never use the word “try”. ‘Trying allows you to fail with honor.’ You said you ‘tried counseling’. Who was listening to who during these sessions? Can you remember what was said? What were the major complaints on both sides? If you can remember them, write them down and ponder them. Ask yourself what you’ve done about those items. Have you done anything? Have you done enough?

How can you not sense your husband to not be happy for 10 years? Have you been that insensitive to him?

Now, for your husband: I don’t think Heavenly Father would recommend a divorce. I think Heavenly Father would recommend one make changes in their life in order to find happiness. Perhaps your husband is praying to say “look, I’ve given it this much time… have I done all I could?” And the Lord may be saying “Yes, you have endured, and now it is time.” (That’s purely a guess and speculation.)

Heavenly Father doesn’t want any families broken up. However, this isn’t about Heavenly Father. This is about your husband and how he is feeling about you.

Selfishness has ruined many a marriage. Some selfishness has been in the name of “good intentions”. As we know, the road to hell is paved with such intentions.

How do you turn this around? Love him. Love is a verb, not a feeling. I have some suggested reading for you:

– Fireproof DVD

– The Love Dare

– 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

– 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families

– Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

– Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage

Somewhere along the way, you have lost the ability to listen and respond to his feelings. How can I tell? Because you asked if Heavenly Father wanted your family broken up… and that question is shifting the blame to Him, instead of you. (I did tell you that you wouldn’t like this, right?)

Learn to listen before responding. Pause for at least 2 seconds before responding to anything he says. This is especially helpful during a time of arguments. Look him in the eye and smile at him (and not one of those sarcastic smiles… a sincere one). Breathe. Turn your defenses down. You don’t have anything more to lose and arguing won’t help you win him back.

You have a long rocky road ahead of you if you are to save or reunite this marriage. The Lord will help you. I hope this may have been of some help to you as well.

 

Gramps

 

 

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